Adventures by the Water Cooler

“Looks like somebody’s got a case of the Mondays.”

Ah, that great film, Office Space - made famous by its hilarious but relatable depiction of the daily grind - seems to have kicked off a new generation of comedies centered around us poor souls who get up everyday and do the 9 to 5 thing. Watching Jim Halpert and Dwight Schrute duking it out on FOX’s hit show, “The Office," certainly entertains the masses but is office life realllllly that complex and entertaining? I am here to answer that question… and my answer is a definitive “yes!”

A few weeks ago, an email popped up in my inbox from our company’s property manager - a spry little firecracker by the name of Carol. Carol indicated in her email that we must now (and this is very important) remember to always leave the overhead light on in the break room as one of our regular temps was burned by some hot water dispensed by the water cooler. The hot and cold buttons, said she, were not clearly seen as there was only a dim lamp light in the kitchen. Upon pouring what she believed to be a cup of cool water, the temp proceeded to, not sip, but gulp down the boiling hot water. A witness said that she was speechless as she watched the temp gasping and clutching her throat.

I do not wish to be insensitive to the matter… I’m sure swallowing a mouthful of hot water really hurt. Who hasn’t accidentally taken too big of a sip of hot coffee only to find themselves gasping with tears in their eyes? I know I have. But I couldn’t help but find this incident… well, I’ll just say it – ridiculous. And I wanted to know more. So a handful of us (sheerly out of concern for the poor temp, of course) decided to perform a few tests. Using only the dim light of a floor lamp and my own two eyes, I glanced at the water cooler and examined the buttons. From what I could tell, the button with the picture of the coffee cup and three squiggly lines going up out of the cup probably indicated hot water; whereas, the button with the picture of a glass with ice cubes in it probably indicated cold water. But since they are pictures and not words, they are clearly left up to one's own interpretation. Add to this, the fact that there is one BIG button in the center of it all, which if you don’t push either of the smaller buttons, releases cool water by default. Now, let’s give this temp the benefit of the doubt and say that she probably has poor eyesight. So further testing was, of course, needed.

I found in my next test, that when one pushes the button for hot water, a red light comes on. In my experience, red is typically used to indicate heat. But it is possible the temp did not notice or think about this. The next step is to place a cup underneath the dispenser and push the center button to release the water. Not only does an insulated Styrofoam cup quickly begin to feel warmer in one’s hand, but a very distinct rising of steam also proceeds from the cup into one’s face as they lean over the dispenser. As a sidenote, on a couple of test runs, I even had a few drops of hot water misfire onto my hand, missing the cup altogether. Needless to say, I could feel that it was hot.

At this point, I feel I have given the water cooler every opportunity to deceive me... and yet it did not. And so I can only conclude that, leaving the overhead light on in the break room is a serious misuse of energy. That and we should probably start screening our temps a little more carefully.

Now, see? You didn’t think office life was really all that entertaining, did you? And while it gives me no pleasure to prove anyone wrong, I’m just glad that the truth is now out there.