two weeks

in two weeks I’ll be flying out Los Angeles for the first time. I need this trip like no other. I woke up this morning and heard the rain gently falling outside. it was the kind of spring rain that instantly makes everything greener and as much as I love the sunshine, days like this bring a necessary quiet to my often restless mind. the past few weeks have required me to shift my thoughts around inside. people once highly regarded have become… well, a disappointment. and others have risen above all expectation. I’ve learned that there is a time when it’s right to be angry – not an anger that fuels you into vengeance like so many people are apt, but rather an anger that fuels you into letting go and finding joy beyond the pain. this kind of joy is the greatest because it is not given to me on a silver platter, I have to work to find it and that makes it so much sweeter to me. this rain… it brightens the bloom outside, dark as it may seem overhead. we are given this world to prove God’s love and make us stronger in knowing that He works everything for the good of those who love Him.

things to do

i've decided to rebuild my CD collection. about two years ago, i made the very bold decision to begin living on a cash only basis. i was successful... however, the transition period was a little rocky at first and my CD/DVD/VHS collections took the biggest hit. whenever i would feel my bank account dwindling down and still several days until payday, i would have a "media purge" for some extra cash. thanks to iTunes, this didn't affect my music collection too much, but i still miss having a library of sorts of my favorite things and gosh darnit, i will have that again... and so i begin.

let me add... that my Lenten sacrifices have given way to much more creativity lately. the more i stay away from myspace, the more i read, draw, write and frolic... frolicking being my absolute fave. i'm also spending a great deal of time thinking of more words to abreve. it will sound like a whole new language (or lang) by the time we're done with it. i think my IQ just went up. hmmm... yeah, it did.

and now...

i thought of a seventh thing, continued from my previous post... it is that, shoot, one sec... i forgot.

anyways... a month from today i will be in los angeles. pretty exciting. i will be disappointed if i don't see a celebrity while i'm out there. actully, not really... i just want some good weather, the beach, maybe a surfing lesson or two and definitely some good shopping. oh, and some good photo ops. pretty much getting to travel anywhere is an excitment for me so this is great. i hope its the first of many trips for '07.

today was beautiful in nashville... i spent much of the afternoon inside reading. oops. but once i did get out, downtown in fact to my friend's new amazing apartment, which i am very jealous of and i will be sure to visit there often, well, let's just say it was a nice, fun day and i'm a huge fan of it.

there's not really else much to say except that i need new shoes because i've been wearing the same ones for the past few weeks and i don't want to wear them out before spring even really gets here. that's all.

breaking clay pots...

last night was fun. i think i laughed more than i have in a long time. even when i sit with my friends at dinner and we are all making fun of each other... each of us got a turn so its fair. people are not meant to be alone. i learned in church today something i never thought about... about the Trinity. relationship was never created... it has always existed. my definition of alone, i then realized, is so flawed. in fact, in all of my desperate attempts to understand what's happening to me - to call myself alone by my own fallible definition of the word, i'm falling into a deeper trust in myself and farther away from a trust in God. my own comprehension, my own searching, my own answers are fraught with error and misunderstanding. first off, all i have are my own circumstances and these i use to explain boundless possibilities?! i remain confused! but if, in my confusion, i turn to God... admit that i don't understand and stop trying to... why do we need to have all the answers right now? God shows me that, as Pastor Jamie said today, a tree's roots grow deeper in dirt and decay than in a clay pot, protected and ornate. if i want it all to be summed up neatly and to be given a perfect understanding without standing there in the thick of all that can happen in life, then i'm missing out on tremendous growth, a finding of strength and a much... MUCH greater faith.

new calling?

i got out of february today... march came in with a storm, literally and figuratively. i hear it beating against the windows as i type this. and as there is always a calm before a storm, there is a quiet afterwards and a time to peer around at the fallen branches from trees, playground furniture upside down in the neighbor's lawn... things don't seem right, some things are lost forever... but so many things, however weathered, can be recovered. and so it goes for the human heart as well...

i realized today (mostly after writing the above paragraph) that, if i wanted to, i could be a very successful country song-writer. just as far as lyrics go anyway. i have never "gotten" country music, but after living in nashville for 5 1/2 years, i have not been able to escape it completely. there are a few songs i appreciate... the sadder the better, but there is a sense of comfort in the rootsy sound of the guitars and smooth, drawling vocals. it feels like walking down a dirt road in the summertime, with the setting sun on your face, the sound of crickets in the high grass, lightning bugs appearing at twilight... and if there are tears on your face, they will dry in the warm air and the peaceful quiet of the evening rests soothingly on your heart.

yes, just one or two country songs... shut up. i hate the rest.