letting go

today i started a new project that became a much bigger monster than i had anticipated. you see, i'm moving in a month and it never fails, every time i move, i look at all of the boxes i've had stored away not even knowing what's inside of them. each time, i throw away what i think is a lot, but somehow end up holding on to more than i probably should. my sincerest determination is to not become a pack rat and so i've come to have a low tolerance for clutter... but at the same time in my heart i am a sentimental person and can't help feeling like even the silliest of keepsakes makes my memories more tangible and therefore much sweeter and harder to let go of.

but i've come to learn that letting go is one of the greater of life's disciplines and though it may seem like self torture at times is a rewarding act of trust in God. letting go reminds me that i am not in control and by holding on, i am not trusting that God will keep those things in my heart that He has meant for me. i will hold on to a special object if it means enough to me, sure, but i'm not just talking about tangible things from the past. my heart gets cluttered with hopes and dreams for the future... so much that my feet feel heavy and i find it hard to walk in the present. i find myself bound by intertia and always waiting. i do not think this is what God wants for me... so i let go as an act of faith... my trust in God. i think this is a discipline that i'll be working on for some time now... :)

just not right

here it is... a week from Christmas and it feels like springtime in TN. i love Christmas and i love springtime... just not altogether. i get spring fever early most of the time... and i try to head it off because once it starts, i'm not satisfied until it finally arrives. i don't know why but i've always been one to get off the wall excited about that time of the year when everything starts coming back to life again. everything i spent the cold months prior worrying over seem to melt away with the snow (if there is snow to speak of). i take the new life of spring metaphor to the highest level... haha... such a dork. but what can i say its the truth.

i'm writing this to say... i shouldn't be thinking about spring just yet. its not right... and the timing couldn't be worse. santa claus is coming NEXT week! i am getting so ahead of myself... a bad habit i am trying to overcome. i just know if i learned to enjoy each season, then time wouldn't seem to pass so quickly. and then once the springtime does actually get here, i can look back and say i had a great time during the winter enjoying wintery things (even if it doesn't feel like it outside).

yes, yes... seasonal metaphors... trite. :) merry week before christmas!!!

you lose, you win

I hate losing things. I have a horrible habit of putting something down and forgetting where I put it. People tell me to make a mental note whenever I put my keys down (or whatever else). They don’t know that the problem is making the mental note in the first place. If I could do that, then I would never lose anything again.

Sometimes you lose something and it is so immediately obvious that it’s been lost. It’s like the crash of a sudden wave against your back when you’re standing by the ocean. I used to hate that feeling… back when I was much smaller and couldn’t keep my balance. That kind of stuff usually doesn’t knock me over completely anymore but I will definitely lose my footing if I’m not paying attention. But I’m getting sidetracked… I’m talking about the intangible losses that happen in almost an instant that you can’t get back on your own. It’s an uncomfortable feeling… that lack of control. It makes you want to crawl out of your own skin. Time and distance are the only things that heal… funny… yesterday distance was my enemy… today it’s what heals. What tomorrow? Loss is a good thing? Maybe so… knowing loss makes gaining something in the future much, much sweeter…

Why do I have to see the good in so many bad things that can happen? Is it because it is further revelation of God’s grace and mercy? How He protects me from things I can’t see or understand. He gave us His truth in the Gospel and that should be sufficient… but it is not exhaustive. He knows more than me. Not like a school teacher knowing more than her student… but like the Creator of the Universe knowing more than the created. He doesn’t just know how I was made, He knows why. And that is a comforting thought… whatever I lose… He will restore.

distance

there are all kinds of distance… there is spatial distance, time distance, mental distance and so on. I have a fond appreciation for none of these. I like closeness in all respects. the onset of fall usually brings with itself an overwhelming sense of distance for me. this year was no exception. its a distance from the way things used to be around the holidays… a stronger recognition of distance between me and people I care about… and in the cold, the early sunsets, the dying leaves, being far away in body and mind, the hope of some comfort waits inside. I have a feeling this is why miracles are talked about and sought after now more than any other time of the year. I’ve asked for some myself recently. now is supposed to be a celebration and yet so many people become lonely… I wonder would this happen if we celebrated Christmas on a beautiful spring day? no one gets the Easter blues do they? I never have. not saying it can’t happen, but honestly…

but ah, distance… one of my biggest arch-enemies next to Kermit the Frog and the *pack of wild dogs that follow me to work everyday and then sit outside waiting for me to leave in the afternoon.



*wild dog story created for dramatic effect.

just a thought

i was falling asleep and my mind once again starting flipping stations from one thing to the next. i landed on these few thoughts that i decided i better get up and write out. its nothing much... really, i'm here to see if getting things out of my brain might help the insomnia. i'm a literary person and so i always tend to view my life as a novel... with characters, villians and heroes and plot twists, etc. only, i don't really see many people as villians in real life, so no worries there. its more like there are people who shift the story into one direction or another, for better or worse. and i'm always waiting for the plot twist... hoping that one of the characters has something up their sleeve... like they're waiting to come in and save the day. unfortunately, this is rarely the case. i dislike sounding negative, but disappointment often prevails always bridled by hope... always there's hope. some might call it foolish... i like to call it faith. in reading CS Lewis, i have learned that one of the biggest tools of the enemy is not to turn people to Satan, but instead to turn people into doubters of everything... good or evil. making people believe that there IS nothing to hope for... that is the worst kind of living. hmmm... yeah, i'd rather be called a fool.

life in suspense

we all love suspense. well, okay, we love suspense in movies, novels, video games, etc. we all hate suspense in life. but the reason we love it in fiction is because we know its what makes the story good. i think a lot of people lack the ability to endure suspense in their lives because of the anguish that usually accompanies it. i mean, you don't have to have a good story, do you? but why wouldn't you want one? what else are you going to talk about when you're 80 years old? you'll be telling your kids about all the "what if's" that you didn't want to wait around to see what might have been. boring!

so hate the suspense if you must... but try to embrace it a little bit too. that is all. good night.

monday, monday

i promise i won't do this everyday, but you know how it is when you have a new toy and you just want to play with it? so here i am.

insomnia pretty much held on throughout the night on and off... during a brief moment of sleep i dreamed that i was in CA on a camping trip... we were camping out on the edge of cliff. i slept right on the edge all night kind of scared that i would fall off. my fellow campers didn't seem to think this would be a problem. when the sun came out in the morning, water had risen almost all the way to the edge of the cliff so the "drop off" had actually turned into a lake. i could now dangle my feet off of what used to be the edge of the cliff and dip my toes in the cool water. my friends, once again, felt this was perfectly normal AND they had a boat prepared for just such an occurence. they started up the boat, i hopped in and we rode off and that was it. the boat was blue and plastic.

i am not so much bothered by the lack of sleep, or the odd dreams in between as i am by the fact that my hands have been chapped all day and it hurts! yes, chapped. it is bitter bitter cold, at least for Tennessee and i want to roast marshmellows by a fire, dang it! but alas, i am home in my fireplaceless apartment with chapped hands, no marshmellows and and and... that's all i got.

i promise i won't waste your time next time.