llamas give hope

on sunny days lately, i drive off in my car over my lunch break. i think about times that aren't february. when things were warmer and well, happier. for me at least, i can't speak for the whole world. a few months ago it seemed i knew where i was going... now i'm just... confused. if i could say what i want to say i'm not sure it would make any difference. but anyways, today i saw a llama... and well, not a lot of people can say they saw a llama on their lunch break. so i thought that was pretty cool. and then it got me thinking... if a llama can suddenly and unexpectedly become a part of my friday afternoon lunch hour... then God can pretty much do anything He wants. and that is a comforting thought when all seems hopeless... chew on that for a little while.

on being missed

tonight i received a phone call from my three year old niece. well, my sister dialed the phone... but you get the idea. on the other end i heard a very faint whimper and then finally she let out, "i'm saaad.". "why?", i asked. "because i miss you", she continued to whimper in the most downcast tone imaginable. we say she's a drama queen, but i think she's just highly sensitive. i respect that. but the state of my heart after a phone call like that... well, i can't describe. to be missed in such an honest and unabashed way. (i should mentioned i saw her only this morning and will see her again tomorrow). i've noticed when she does these things, the first instinct is to almost laugh a bit (as your heart melts). silly girl, she's only three... she hasn't learned yet how to be stoic and hide her emotions like us grown up adults have learned. wait, why do we have to learn that again? even as i type this, there are people i miss that i know i won't call. there's that inner switch of just not wanting to make myself vulnerable to people. isn't that sad? its because i've been burned before and i know what can happen when you're vulnerable. makes me want to protect her from ever getting hurt because i don't want her to lose that part of her. i want that part of me back. but anyways... to be missed, not that i want her to be sad, feels kind of good.

tripped

sorry, folks, I don’t have an encouraging word or an uplifting attitude to share today. today is one of those days when you just get tired of running the race… when you want to throw your hands up in the air. when you feel like there will always be someone prettier, smarter, more creative, more talented… it aches to the core. you wonder if anyone will ever be satisfied with just you… I need to be that with myself, I know. I can’t look to another for approval… how selfish of me! to put so much of a burden on someone else who has their own insecurities to struggle with… God has been pressing on my heart to be an encouragement to other people, stop thinking about myself all the time… and most of the time this works like a charm. but today I just failed miserably.

zero

i have no attention span lately. i don't know why. could it be because i'm trying to buy a house? interviewing for a new job? anything else? throw it in the pot. i'm not one to ever really stress out per se... at least not when it comes to THESE types of things. but OTHER things... well, don't make me elaborate. look at the date on this blog. not that it really matters... its just a date... another day out of the year. i'm not whining. i'm not complaining. i just can't think right now. i love it... plugging away so bravely for a good long time and then one stupid day... man, that's what i get when i try to be strong on my own. that's all. i might delete this later.

random

i realized this evening that i started this blog so i could write everyday (almost) without constantly bombarding the people subscribed on myspace with those annoying "NEW BLOG SUBSCRIPTION POSTS!" messages all the time. i would consider myself a little silly to assume that people want to read all of the random thoughts that go through my mind everyday... because well, sometimes they CAN get random. and it helps to rant it out on here and feed the ether-world with yet more data that probably about five people actually read. this is fine with me. it doesn't hurt anyone... i don't think.

random thought number one: i wish they made viewfinders for adults. like instead of a magazine, you get a viewfinder, and there is a new card that comes out every month that has slides of all the latest fashions and lipstick colors. who reads the articles anyway? can't you just see a bunch of women in the hair salon sitting in a row of chairs each peering through their own viewfinder? the constant clicking sounds to get to the next slide... the "oohs" and "ahhhs" over each new spiffy image of a purse or a cute skirt or hairstyle... ah, only in a perfect world.