tuesday the 29th

i am now suffering under the delightful exhaustion of too much fun. i think my sternum is broken, if it is possible to have your sternum broken by a three year old jumping on your chest from the couch. still, despite the physical pain, my niece makes me laugh... not like a laugh that comes from hilarious wit or the truth in most jest... but from a state of pure joy. to be a grown up now, i often wonder about the grown ups when i was a little girl and think they must have loved me the same way and still do. and to be human and capable of such a love that comes bursting at the seams, well... if we are truly made in God's image and i believe we are, then how much more are we loved on a universal scale.

so if i have to get an x-ray... well, it was worth it.

change is good

i haven't written on this blog in a while, not because there has been nothing to share, but too much. my trip to L.A. was a much needed escape... i needed to not be surrounded with sameness. i needed new people, places and things to look at. the pacific ocean is so overwhelming - i could breathe out there. i think my favorite memory is sitting by myself eating a blueberry muffin and drinking my coffee outside at a table on the Newport Harbor. i was so far from everything that had hurt and angered me and i could almost pretend i was someone else... someone who hadn't been blind-sighted and mystified... someone who was stronger. and then i realized that i was. stronger, that is... and i am still. i could go back home and be an example to my friends; i could be an encouragement. using our spritual gifts from God fuels us into a natural joy... those hurts and disappointments don't go away but they become valuable lessons that we can use and for that i am thankful. is this what Paul meant when he spoke of learning to be content even in prison? everything this life and the enemy tries to use against us - turn it around and use it for goodness. it is truly a miracle.

and now i am living in a new home... a huge blessing in and of itself. here i am at the end of my first week there and it feels so strange. it does not feel like home yet. part of this is because i am currently living in a construction zone. and i have no neighbors yet. the walls are a nasty taupe color and the dust left over from construction has given me a perpetual headache. but i know this will take time... things will change, become more solid, more finished. and i'm looking forward to those changes.

one bad change followed by a whole host of good. and though things aren't perfect, nothing ever is, i know there's joy to be found in all of this.

two weeks

in two weeks I’ll be flying out Los Angeles for the first time. I need this trip like no other. I woke up this morning and heard the rain gently falling outside. it was the kind of spring rain that instantly makes everything greener and as much as I love the sunshine, days like this bring a necessary quiet to my often restless mind. the past few weeks have required me to shift my thoughts around inside. people once highly regarded have become… well, a disappointment. and others have risen above all expectation. I’ve learned that there is a time when it’s right to be angry – not an anger that fuels you into vengeance like so many people are apt, but rather an anger that fuels you into letting go and finding joy beyond the pain. this kind of joy is the greatest because it is not given to me on a silver platter, I have to work to find it and that makes it so much sweeter to me. this rain… it brightens the bloom outside, dark as it may seem overhead. we are given this world to prove God’s love and make us stronger in knowing that He works everything for the good of those who love Him.

things to do

i've decided to rebuild my CD collection. about two years ago, i made the very bold decision to begin living on a cash only basis. i was successful... however, the transition period was a little rocky at first and my CD/DVD/VHS collections took the biggest hit. whenever i would feel my bank account dwindling down and still several days until payday, i would have a "media purge" for some extra cash. thanks to iTunes, this didn't affect my music collection too much, but i still miss having a library of sorts of my favorite things and gosh darnit, i will have that again... and so i begin.

let me add... that my Lenten sacrifices have given way to much more creativity lately. the more i stay away from myspace, the more i read, draw, write and frolic... frolicking being my absolute fave. i'm also spending a great deal of time thinking of more words to abreve. it will sound like a whole new language (or lang) by the time we're done with it. i think my IQ just went up. hmmm... yeah, it did.

and now...

i thought of a seventh thing, continued from my previous post... it is that, shoot, one sec... i forgot.

anyways... a month from today i will be in los angeles. pretty exciting. i will be disappointed if i don't see a celebrity while i'm out there. actully, not really... i just want some good weather, the beach, maybe a surfing lesson or two and definitely some good shopping. oh, and some good photo ops. pretty much getting to travel anywhere is an excitment for me so this is great. i hope its the first of many trips for '07.

today was beautiful in nashville... i spent much of the afternoon inside reading. oops. but once i did get out, downtown in fact to my friend's new amazing apartment, which i am very jealous of and i will be sure to visit there often, well, let's just say it was a nice, fun day and i'm a huge fan of it.

there's not really else much to say except that i need new shoes because i've been wearing the same ones for the past few weeks and i don't want to wear them out before spring even really gets here. that's all.

breaking clay pots...

last night was fun. i think i laughed more than i have in a long time. even when i sit with my friends at dinner and we are all making fun of each other... each of us got a turn so its fair. people are not meant to be alone. i learned in church today something i never thought about... about the Trinity. relationship was never created... it has always existed. my definition of alone, i then realized, is so flawed. in fact, in all of my desperate attempts to understand what's happening to me - to call myself alone by my own fallible definition of the word, i'm falling into a deeper trust in myself and farther away from a trust in God. my own comprehension, my own searching, my own answers are fraught with error and misunderstanding. first off, all i have are my own circumstances and these i use to explain boundless possibilities?! i remain confused! but if, in my confusion, i turn to God... admit that i don't understand and stop trying to... why do we need to have all the answers right now? God shows me that, as Pastor Jamie said today, a tree's roots grow deeper in dirt and decay than in a clay pot, protected and ornate. if i want it all to be summed up neatly and to be given a perfect understanding without standing there in the thick of all that can happen in life, then i'm missing out on tremendous growth, a finding of strength and a much... MUCH greater faith.

new calling?

i got out of february today... march came in with a storm, literally and figuratively. i hear it beating against the windows as i type this. and as there is always a calm before a storm, there is a quiet afterwards and a time to peer around at the fallen branches from trees, playground furniture upside down in the neighbor's lawn... things don't seem right, some things are lost forever... but so many things, however weathered, can be recovered. and so it goes for the human heart as well...

i realized today (mostly after writing the above paragraph) that, if i wanted to, i could be a very successful country song-writer. just as far as lyrics go anyway. i have never "gotten" country music, but after living in nashville for 5 1/2 years, i have not been able to escape it completely. there are a few songs i appreciate... the sadder the better, but there is a sense of comfort in the rootsy sound of the guitars and smooth, drawling vocals. it feels like walking down a dirt road in the summertime, with the setting sun on your face, the sound of crickets in the high grass, lightning bugs appearing at twilight... and if there are tears on your face, they will dry in the warm air and the peaceful quiet of the evening rests soothingly on your heart.

yes, just one or two country songs... shut up. i hate the rest.

llamas give hope

on sunny days lately, i drive off in my car over my lunch break. i think about times that aren't february. when things were warmer and well, happier. for me at least, i can't speak for the whole world. a few months ago it seemed i knew where i was going... now i'm just... confused. if i could say what i want to say i'm not sure it would make any difference. but anyways, today i saw a llama... and well, not a lot of people can say they saw a llama on their lunch break. so i thought that was pretty cool. and then it got me thinking... if a llama can suddenly and unexpectedly become a part of my friday afternoon lunch hour... then God can pretty much do anything He wants. and that is a comforting thought when all seems hopeless... chew on that for a little while.

on being missed

tonight i received a phone call from my three year old niece. well, my sister dialed the phone... but you get the idea. on the other end i heard a very faint whimper and then finally she let out, "i'm saaad.". "why?", i asked. "because i miss you", she continued to whimper in the most downcast tone imaginable. we say she's a drama queen, but i think she's just highly sensitive. i respect that. but the state of my heart after a phone call like that... well, i can't describe. to be missed in such an honest and unabashed way. (i should mentioned i saw her only this morning and will see her again tomorrow). i've noticed when she does these things, the first instinct is to almost laugh a bit (as your heart melts). silly girl, she's only three... she hasn't learned yet how to be stoic and hide her emotions like us grown up adults have learned. wait, why do we have to learn that again? even as i type this, there are people i miss that i know i won't call. there's that inner switch of just not wanting to make myself vulnerable to people. isn't that sad? its because i've been burned before and i know what can happen when you're vulnerable. makes me want to protect her from ever getting hurt because i don't want her to lose that part of her. i want that part of me back. but anyways... to be missed, not that i want her to be sad, feels kind of good.

tripped

sorry, folks, I don’t have an encouraging word or an uplifting attitude to share today. today is one of those days when you just get tired of running the race… when you want to throw your hands up in the air. when you feel like there will always be someone prettier, smarter, more creative, more talented… it aches to the core. you wonder if anyone will ever be satisfied with just you… I need to be that with myself, I know. I can’t look to another for approval… how selfish of me! to put so much of a burden on someone else who has their own insecurities to struggle with… God has been pressing on my heart to be an encouragement to other people, stop thinking about myself all the time… and most of the time this works like a charm. but today I just failed miserably.

zero

i have no attention span lately. i don't know why. could it be because i'm trying to buy a house? interviewing for a new job? anything else? throw it in the pot. i'm not one to ever really stress out per se... at least not when it comes to THESE types of things. but OTHER things... well, don't make me elaborate. look at the date on this blog. not that it really matters... its just a date... another day out of the year. i'm not whining. i'm not complaining. i just can't think right now. i love it... plugging away so bravely for a good long time and then one stupid day... man, that's what i get when i try to be strong on my own. that's all. i might delete this later.

random

i realized this evening that i started this blog so i could write everyday (almost) without constantly bombarding the people subscribed on myspace with those annoying "NEW BLOG SUBSCRIPTION POSTS!" messages all the time. i would consider myself a little silly to assume that people want to read all of the random thoughts that go through my mind everyday... because well, sometimes they CAN get random. and it helps to rant it out on here and feed the ether-world with yet more data that probably about five people actually read. this is fine with me. it doesn't hurt anyone... i don't think.

random thought number one: i wish they made viewfinders for adults. like instead of a magazine, you get a viewfinder, and there is a new card that comes out every month that has slides of all the latest fashions and lipstick colors. who reads the articles anyway? can't you just see a bunch of women in the hair salon sitting in a row of chairs each peering through their own viewfinder? the constant clicking sounds to get to the next slide... the "oohs" and "ahhhs" over each new spiffy image of a purse or a cute skirt or hairstyle... ah, only in a perfect world.

the ache

it comes in waves, this ache.. a sort of non-descript tugging at your heart. a discontent with who knows what. its anything and everything. its watching the sunset and wanting to chase it around the earth. or its even just hoping that someone will pick you up and carry you the next mile or so… or at least tell you which direction you need to go. it can be feeling like a kid again, helpless and hopeful… or maybe just a need to scream at the top of your lungs and throw lawn furniture into the pool. either way, its there inside and maybe it will go away… later today or perhaps tomorrow. until then, its here telling me something’s to be done.

the end.