dreams of sunshine and happy

Just because...

2008-08-12T10:09:00.001-07:00

I hardly ever blog for myself anymore. Now that I'm hired to blog for others, some of the appeal is taken away from me. And the energy. The energy to think of creative things to say. My life isn't very creative or interesting right now. Besides some travel this summer I have pretty much done ordinary things. I've gone to work. I've seen lots of movies. Not that I'm complaining about movies... that is my favorite thing to do besides travel. The things I enjoy seem to involve some kind of escape. I have always been a dreamer. And despite being told at regular intervals throughout my life that the dreaming would eventually dissipate and then disappear altogether - it continues as strong as ever without any encouragement from me. So you see, it's hard to live a normal life when you don't have a normal brain. Even when things from the outside appear to be, by all accounts, well... boring. It's not. Not when I think about it. And trust me, I DO think quite a lot.

Hi.

2008-07-17T19:38:00.001-07:00

Well, this is something I haven't done in a while. The last time I blogged here, spring was just starting in Nashville and now we are in the thick of the hot, sticky summertime. Much has happened, including my first trip out of the country on a mission trip to Jamaica. That was two weeks ago... and I kinda haven't been the same since. You always hear that a mission trip change a person but you don't really know until it happens to you. And I'm sure every experience is different. For me, it was being up on my feet in the blazing sun working with my hands during the day and fellowshiping with new and fun people at night without any TV, cell phone or computer. It was being closer to God and nature and feeling like I was making a difference in a very small and insignificant way. It was refreshing to say the least. And it was serving... I don't really feel like I serve at work. Or rather, I feel like people expect me to serve them at work instead of really appreciating what I do. I guess we all get that way in the day to day. Ha, that rhymed. But to come back and feel tugged in a million different directions from people who have no idea what happened down there or how it affected me... well, it was kind of like deflating a bright and shiny balloon slowly with a sharp needle.

More about the trip later, but I just wanted to share those initial thoughts.

Sleep Interrupted

2008-02-03T23:55:00.000-08:00

One of the most awkwardly uncomfortable feelings is...

When the bottom of my big toe itches. I can't scratch because it tickles.

And...

It only happens when I can't sleep. And the only thing on TV is infomercials.

Correction

2008-01-30T14:12:00.001-08:00

A good friend pointed out to me that "The Office" (mentioned below) is actually a hit NBC show, not FOX. I feel sheepish, yet obligated to make public my correction for readers who had already noticed the blunder. Oops! More proof that my head is often located somewhere in the upper-stratosphere as opposed to the solid ground on which facts tend to matter.

Thank you.

Adventures by the Water Cooler

2008-01-29T11:10:00.000-08:00

“Looks like somebody’s got a case of the Mondays.”

Ah, that great film, Office Space - made famous by its hilarious but relatable depiction of the daily grind - seems to have kicked off a new generation of comedies centered around us poor souls who get up everyday and do the 9 to 5 thing. Watching Jim Halpert and Dwight Schrute duking it out on FOX’s hit show, “The Office," certainly entertains the masses but is office life realllllly that complex and entertaining? I am here to answer that question… and my answer is a definitive “yes!”

A few weeks ago, an email popped up in my inbox from our company’s property manager - a spry little firecracker by the name of Carol. Carol indicated in her email that we must now (and this is very important) remember to always leave the overhead light on in the break room as one of our regular temps was burned by some hot water dispensed by the water cooler. The hot and cold buttons, said she, were not clearly seen as there was only a dim lamp light in the kitchen. Upon pouring what she believed to be a cup of cool water, the temp proceeded to, not sip, but gulp down the boiling hot water. A witness said that she was speechless as she watched the temp gasping and clutching her throat.

I do not wish to be insensitive to the matter… I’m sure swallowing a mouthful of hot water really hurt. Who hasn’t accidentally taken too big of a sip of hot coffee only to find themselves gasping with tears in their eyes? I know I have. But I couldn’t help but find this incident… well, I’ll just say it – ridiculous. And I wanted to know more. So a handful of us (sheerly out of concern for the poor temp, of course) decided to perform a few tests. Using only the dim light of a floor lamp and my own two eyes, I glanced at the water cooler and examined the buttons. From what I could tell, the button with the picture of the coffee cup and three squiggly lines going up out of the cup probably indicated hot water; whereas, the button with the picture of a glass with ice cubes in it probably indicated cold water. But since they are pictures and not words, they are clearly left up to one's own interpretation. Add to this, the fact that there is one BIG button in the center of it all, which if you don’t push either of the smaller buttons, releases cool water by default. Now, let’s give this temp the benefit of the doubt and say that she probably has poor eyesight. So further testing was, of course, needed.

I found in my next test, that when one pushes the button for hot water, a red light comes on. In my experience, red is typically used to indicate heat. But it is possible the temp did not notice or think about this. The next step is to place a cup underneath the dispenser and push the center button to release the water. Not only does an insulated Styrofoam cup quickly begin to feel warmer in one’s hand, but a very distinct rising of steam also proceeds from the cup into one’s face as they lean over the dispenser. As a sidenote, on a couple of test runs, I even had a few drops of hot water misfire onto my hand, missing the cup altogether. Needless to say, I could feel that it was hot.

At this point, I feel I have given the water cooler every opportunity to deceive me... and yet it did not. And so I can only conclude that, leaving the overhead light on in the break room is a serious misuse of energy. That and we should probably start screening our temps a little more carefully.

Now, see? You didn’t think office life was really all that entertaining, did you? And while it gives me no pleasure to prove anyone wrong, I’m just glad that the truth is now out there.

If Kriss Kross can rap about it, I can blog about it

2008-01-23T12:54:00.000-08:00

I saw Cloverfield last night… and don’t worry, there are no spoilers in this blog. I am highly against spoilers. But I will say enough, the movie left me feeling kind of weird and I did actually have nightmares last night. I don’t know if it was related to the movie or just pure coincidence and the full moon… but regardless… it lasted more or less all night.

So when my dreams went from one villainous danger to another, it was no surprise in the early morning hours to hear a youthful voice shrieking “HEY! HEY! HEYYYYY!” blending into all of the other terrifying images of the night. Not until, I realized it was really happening… right outside my window. At first, I lay in bed wondering what to do… do I dare look out the window? And finally, the repeated shouts turned into one long, wailing scream. It was definitely a small child.

I jumped out of bed and to the window, phone in hand to call 911 if necessary. It did, definitely sound like a small child was either being severely beaten out in my parking lot or worse. But when I looked outside, I saw nothing though I could still hear the screaming. Was it coming from inside another house? Unlikely - it was too clear. It had to be outdoors.

At last, I saw a small child running from behind one of our buildings… the buildling closest to the street. He was all bundled up with a gigantic backpack flopping around on his back as he ran.

He missed the bus...

…and he was devastated about it… like really, really devastated. He ran back to the front of his house and stood out on the sidewalk continuing to cry uncontrollably… if it was that loud from my bedroom window, I can only imagine what it sounded like right next to the poor kid.

My next concern was that he was standing in front of his house and there were no cars around. I wondered if his parents were even home or if he had a key to get back in. I started to get myself ready to go out there and let him use my phone… but before I got the chance, the crying stopped and he was gone. My hope is that he just went back inside his house… and I’m sure that’s the case. I live in a safe neighborhood. There are only like 5 of us who live there now and we all know each other, but wow – to be that heartbroken over missing the bus.

The thing is, I would have reacted the same way as a child. I was a little melodramatic about that stuff. So all is well that ended well… but it still was kind of a bizarre thing to wake up to this morning. And it makes for what I consider to be a blog-worthy moment… brought to you by me.

Pray for snow. Talk soon.

The Key To Happiness

2008-01-18T13:55:00.000-08:00

Leave a half-eaten cinnamon crunch bagel from Panera sitting on your desk all day. The lasting aroma is sure to send happy shivers down your spine with every breath.

my hands... they are chapped

2008-01-16T13:21:00.000-08:00

Life at the coffee beanery has slowed to a crawl, but the problem is that we still have to wipe the counters down with bleach rags and it is the dead of winter. My hands are incessantly dry and I have spent millions (practically) on the search for the perfect moisturizer. It is the 21st century and call me a fool for thinking that modern science has come up with something by now that actually WORKS long term on dry skin.

But with all the extra time standing behind the counter NOT serving the customers who are NOT coming in to the store… I realized last night I don’t do this job for alllllll the extra money I get out of it. Sure, it helps the old pocket book… but somehow having a job like that makes me feel normal and more in my element. I’ve worked in an office the entire six years that I’ve been out of college and, in fact, I worked in an office while IN college as well… but for me… scatter-brained, attention-deficit, antsy, squirmy me… this feels good – to be up and people-watching and laughing at the rude customers or even just the dumb ones who come in and ask me if the Cinnamon Holiday Blend tastes like cinnamon. (I was given express permission… nay, ORDERED by my manager to tell such customers that it, in fact, tastes like Fruit Loops NOT cinnamon as the name suggests). I get to be one of those snobby, know-it-all baristas that everyone loves. And after a day of dealing with deadlines and meetings and post-it notes… it’s fun as heck (pardon the French).

So back to my poor little hands… I can't complain - I have worker’s hands… chapped, chafed, sad and in need of paraffin - proof that I do more than sit at an office all day punching out emails and printing reports. And for some reason, that makes me feel good inside… like there is a struggle going on in my life that I have to work extra hard for and really the paycheck is just a bonus to all of that. Besides… every girl looks cuter serving coffee than she does standing by a water cooler under the glare of fluorescent lighting…

tuesday the 29th

2007-05-29T21:27:00.000-07:00

i am now suffering under the delightful exhaustion of too much fun. i think my sternum is broken, if it is possible to have your sternum broken by a three year old jumping on your chest from the couch. still, despite the physical pain, my niece makes me laugh... not like a laugh that comes from hilarious wit or the truth in most jest... but from a state of pure joy. to be a grown up now, i often wonder about the grown ups when i was a little girl and think they must have loved me the same way and still do. and to be human and capable of such a love that comes bursting at the seams, well... if we are truly made in God's image and i believe we are, then how much more are we loved on a universal scale.

so if i have to get an x-ray... well, it was worth it.

change is good

2007-05-04T09:10:00.000-07:00

i haven't written on this blog in a while, not because there has been nothing to share, but too much. my trip to L.A. was a much needed escape... i needed to not be surrounded with sameness. i needed new people, places and things to look at. the pacific ocean is so overwhelming - i could breathe out there. i think my favorite memory is sitting by myself eating a blueberry muffin and drinking my coffee outside at a table on the Newport Harbor. i was so far from everything that had hurt and angered me and i could almost pretend i was someone else... someone who hadn't been blind-sighted and mystified... someone who was stronger. and then i realized that i was. stronger, that is... and i am still. i could go back home and be an example to my friends; i could be an encouragement. using our spritual gifts from God fuels us into a natural joy... those hurts and disappointments don't go away but they become valuable lessons that we can use and for that i am thankful. is this what Paul meant when he spoke of learning to be content even in prison? everything this life and the enemy tries to use against us - turn it around and use it for goodness. it is truly a miracle.

and now i am living in a new home... a huge blessing in and of itself. here i am at the end of my first week there and it feels so strange. it does not feel like home yet. part of this is because i am currently living in a construction zone. and i have no neighbors yet. the walls are a nasty taupe color and the dust left over from construction has given me a perpetual headache. but i know this will take time... things will change, become more solid, more finished. and i'm looking forward to those changes.

one bad change followed by a whole host of good. and though things aren't perfect, nothing ever is, i know there's joy to be found in all of this.

two weeks

2007-03-28T08:20:00.000-07:00

in two weeks I’ll be flying out Los Angeles for the first time. I need this trip like no other. I woke up this morning and heard the rain gently falling outside. it was the kind of spring rain that instantly makes everything greener and as much as I love the sunshine, days like this bring a necessary quiet to my often restless mind. the past few weeks have required me to shift my thoughts around inside. people once highly regarded have become… well, a disappointment. and others have risen above all expectation. I’ve learned that there is a time when it’s right to be angry – not an anger that fuels you into vengeance like so many people are apt, but rather an anger that fuels you into letting go and finding joy beyond the pain. this kind of joy is the greatest because it is not given to me on a silver platter, I have to work to find it and that makes it so much sweeter to me. this rain… it brightens the bloom outside, dark as it may seem overhead. we are given this world to prove God’s love and make us stronger in knowing that He works everything for the good of those who love Him.

things to do

2007-03-13T15:19:00.000-07:00

i've decided to rebuild my CD collection. about two years ago, i made the very bold decision to begin living on a cash only basis. i was successful... however, the transition period was a little rocky at first and my CD/DVD/VHS collections took the biggest hit. whenever i would feel my bank account dwindling down and still several days until payday, i would have a "media purge" for some extra cash. thanks to iTunes, this didn't affect my music collection too much, but i still miss having a library of sorts of my favorite things and gosh darnit, i will have that again... and so i begin.

let me add... that my Lenten sacrifices have given way to much more creativity lately. the more i stay away from myspace, the more i read, draw, write and frolic... frolicking being my absolute fave. i'm also spending a great deal of time thinking of more words to abreve. it will sound like a whole new language (or lang) by the time we're done with it. i think my IQ just went up. hmmm... yeah, it did.

and now...

2007-03-11T20:27:00.000-07:00

i thought of a seventh thing, continued from my previous post... it is that, shoot, one sec... i forgot.

anyways... a month from today i will be in los angeles. pretty exciting. i will be disappointed if i don't see a celebrity while i'm out there. actully, not really... i just want some good weather, the beach, maybe a surfing lesson or two and definitely some good shopping. oh, and some good photo ops. pretty much getting to travel anywhere is an excitment for me so this is great. i hope its the first of many trips for '07.

today was beautiful in nashville... i spent much of the afternoon inside reading. oops. but once i did get out, downtown in fact to my friend's new amazing apartment, which i am very jealous of and i will be sure to visit there often, well, let's just say it was a nice, fun day and i'm a huge fan of it.

there's not really else much to say except that i need new shoes because i've been wearing the same ones for the past few weeks and i don't want to wear them out before spring even really gets here. that's all.

breaking clay pots...

2007-03-04T10:57:00.001-08:00

last night was fun. i think i laughed more than i have in a long time. even when i sit with my friends at dinner and we are all making fun of each other... each of us got a turn so its fair. people are not meant to be alone. i learned in church today something i never thought about... about the Trinity. relationship was never created... it has always existed. my definition of alone, i then realized, is so flawed. in fact, in all of my desperate attempts to understand what's happening to me - to call myself alone by my own fallible definition of the word, i'm falling into a deeper trust in myself and farther away from a trust in God. my own comprehension, my own searching, my own answers are fraught with error and misunderstanding. first off, all i have are my own circumstances and these i use to explain boundless possibilities?! i remain confused! but if, in my confusion, i turn to God... admit that i don't understand and stop trying to... why do we need to have all the answers right now? God shows me that, as Pastor Jamie said today, a tree's roots grow deeper in dirt and decay than in a clay pot, protected and ornate. if i want it all to be summed up neatly and to be given a perfect understanding without standing there in the thick of all that can happen in life, then i'm missing out on tremendous growth, a finding of strength and a much... MUCH greater faith.

new calling?

2007-03-01T19:24:00.000-08:00

i got out of february today... march came in with a storm, literally and figuratively. i hear it beating against the windows as i type this. and as there is always a calm before a storm, there is a quiet afterwards and a time to peer around at the fallen branches from trees, playground furniture upside down in the neighbor's lawn... things don't seem right, some things are lost forever... but so many things, however weathered, can be recovered. and so it goes for the human heart as well...

i realized today (mostly after writing the above paragraph) that, if i wanted to, i could be a very successful country song-writer. just as far as lyrics go anyway. i have never "gotten" country music, but after living in nashville for 5 1/2 years, i have not been able to escape it completely. there are a few songs i appreciate... the sadder the better, but there is a sense of comfort in the rootsy sound of the guitars and smooth, drawling vocals. it feels like walking down a dirt road in the summertime, with the setting sun on your face, the sound of crickets in the high grass, lightning bugs appearing at twilight... and if there are tears on your face, they will dry in the warm air and the peaceful quiet of the evening rests soothingly on your heart.

yes, just one or two country songs... shut up. i hate the rest.

llamas give hope

2007-02-23T11:46:00.000-08:00

on sunny days lately, i drive off in my car over my lunch break. i think about times that aren't february. when things were warmer and well, happier. for me at least, i can't speak for the whole world. a few months ago it seemed i knew where i was going... now i'm just... confused. if i could say what i want to say i'm not sure it would make any difference. but anyways, today i saw a llama... and well, not a lot of people can say they saw a llama on their lunch break. so i thought that was pretty cool. and then it got me thinking... if a llama can suddenly and unexpectedly become a part of my friday afternoon lunch hour... then God can pretty much do anything He wants. and that is a comforting thought when all seems hopeless... chew on that for a little while.

on being missed

2007-02-17T18:44:00.000-08:00

tonight i received a phone call from my three year old niece. well, my sister dialed the phone... but you get the idea. on the other end i heard a very faint whimper and then finally she let out, "i'm saaad.". "why?", i asked. "because i miss you", she continued to whimper in the most downcast tone imaginable. we say she's a drama queen, but i think she's just highly sensitive. i respect that. but the state of my heart after a phone call like that... well, i can't describe. to be missed in such an honest and unabashed way. (i should mentioned i saw her only this morning and will see her again tomorrow). i've noticed when she does these things, the first instinct is to almost laugh a bit (as your heart melts). silly girl, she's only three... she hasn't learned yet how to be stoic and hide her emotions like us grown up adults have learned. wait, why do we have to learn that again? even as i type this, there are people i miss that i know i won't call. there's that inner switch of just not wanting to make myself vulnerable to people. isn't that sad? its because i've been burned before and i know what can happen when you're vulnerable. makes me want to protect her from ever getting hurt because i don't want her to lose that part of her. i want that part of me back. but anyways... to be missed, not that i want her to be sad, feels kind of good.

tripped

2007-02-15T11:56:00.000-08:00

sorry, folks, I don’t have an encouraging word or an uplifting attitude to share today. today is one of those days when you just get tired of running the race… when you want to throw your hands up in the air. when you feel like there will always be someone prettier, smarter, more creative, more talented… it aches to the core. you wonder if anyone will ever be satisfied with just you… I need to be that with myself, I know. I can’t look to another for approval… how selfish of me! to put so much of a burden on someone else who has their own insecurities to struggle with… God has been pressing on my heart to be an encouragement to other people, stop thinking about myself all the time… and most of the time this works like a charm. but today I just failed miserably.

zero

2007-02-14T19:21:00.000-08:00

i have no attention span lately. i don't know why. could it be because i'm trying to buy a house? interviewing for a new job? anything else? throw it in the pot. i'm not one to ever really stress out per se... at least not when it comes to THESE types of things. but OTHER things... well, don't make me elaborate. look at the date on this blog. not that it really matters... its just a date... another day out of the year. i'm not whining. i'm not complaining. i just can't think right now. i love it... plugging away so bravely for a good long time and then one stupid day... man, that's what i get when i try to be strong on my own. that's all. i might delete this later.

random

2007-02-13T18:58:00.000-08:00

i realized this evening that i started this blog so i could write everyday (almost) without constantly bombarding the people subscribed on myspace with those annoying "NEW BLOG SUBSCRIPTION POSTS!" messages all the time. i would consider myself a little silly to assume that people want to read all of the random thoughts that go through my mind everyday... because well, sometimes they CAN get random. and it helps to rant it out on here and feed the ether-world with yet more data that probably about five people actually read. this is fine with me. it doesn't hurt anyone... i don't think.

random thought number one: i wish they made viewfinders for adults. like instead of a magazine, you get a viewfinder, and there is a new card that comes out every month that has slides of all the latest fashions and lipstick colors. who reads the articles anyway? can't you just see a bunch of women in the hair salon sitting in a row of chairs each peering through their own viewfinder? the constant clicking sounds to get to the next slide... the "oohs" and "ahhhs" over each new spiffy image of a purse or a cute skirt or hairstyle... ah, only in a perfect world.

the ache

2007-01-08T08:39:00.000-08:00

it comes in waves, this ache.. a sort of non-descript tugging at your heart. a discontent with who knows what. its anything and everything. its watching the sunset and wanting to chase it around the earth. or its even just hoping that someone will pick you up and carry you the next mile or so… or at least tell you which direction you need to go. it can be feeling like a kid again, helpless and hopeful… or maybe just a need to scream at the top of your lungs and throw lawn furniture into the pool. either way, its there inside and maybe it will go away… later today or perhaps tomorrow. until then, its here telling me something’s to be done.

the end.

letting go

2006-12-19T13:59:00.000-08:00

today i started a new project that became a much bigger monster than i had anticipated. you see, i'm moving in a month and it never fails, every time i move, i look at all of the boxes i've had stored away not even knowing what's inside of them. each time, i throw away what i think is a lot, but somehow end up holding on to more than i probably should. my sincerest determination is to not become a pack rat and so i've come to have a low tolerance for clutter... but at the same time in my heart i am a sentimental person and can't help feeling like even the silliest of keepsakes makes my memories more tangible and therefore much sweeter and harder to let go of.

but i've come to learn that letting go is one of the greater of life's disciplines and though it may seem like self torture at times is a rewarding act of trust in God. letting go reminds me that i am not in control and by holding on, i am not trusting that God will keep those things in my heart that He has meant for me. i will hold on to a special object if it means enough to me, sure, but i'm not just talking about tangible things from the past. my heart gets cluttered with hopes and dreams for the future... so much that my feet feel heavy and i find it hard to walk in the present. i find myself bound by intertia and always waiting. i do not think this is what God wants for me... so i let go as an act of faith... my trust in God. i think this is a discipline that i'll be working on for some time now... :)

just not right

2006-12-18T15:24:00.000-08:00

here it is... a week from Christmas and it feels like springtime in TN. i love Christmas and i love springtime... just not altogether. i get spring fever early most of the time... and i try to head it off because once it starts, i'm not satisfied until it finally arrives. i don't know why but i've always been one to get off the wall excited about that time of the year when everything starts coming back to life again. everything i spent the cold months prior worrying over seem to melt away with the snow (if there is snow to speak of). i take the new life of spring metaphor to the highest level... haha... such a dork. but what can i say its the truth.

i'm writing this to say... i shouldn't be thinking about spring just yet. its not right... and the timing couldn't be worse. santa claus is coming NEXT week! i am getting so ahead of myself... a bad habit i am trying to overcome. i just know if i learned to enjoy each season, then time wouldn't seem to pass so quickly. and then once the springtime does actually get here, i can look back and say i had a great time during the winter enjoying wintery things (even if it doesn't feel like it outside).

yes, yes... seasonal metaphors... trite. :) merry week before christmas!!!

you lose, you win

2006-12-13T15:46:00.000-08:00

I hate losing things. I have a horrible habit of putting something down and forgetting where I put it. People tell me to make a mental note whenever I put my keys down (or whatever else). They don’t know that the problem is making the mental note in the first place. If I could do that, then I would never lose anything again.

Sometimes you lose something and it is so immediately obvious that it’s been lost. It’s like the crash of a sudden wave against your back when you’re standing by the ocean. I used to hate that feeling… back when I was much smaller and couldn’t keep my balance. That kind of stuff usually doesn’t knock me over completely anymore but I will definitely lose my footing if I’m not paying attention. But I’m getting sidetracked… I’m talking about the intangible losses that happen in almost an instant that you can’t get back on your own. It’s an uncomfortable feeling… that lack of control. It makes you want to crawl out of your own skin. Time and distance are the only things that heal… funny… yesterday distance was my enemy… today it’s what heals. What tomorrow? Loss is a good thing? Maybe so… knowing loss makes gaining something in the future much, much sweeter…

Why do I have to see the good in so many bad things that can happen? Is it because it is further revelation of God’s grace and mercy? How He protects me from things I can’t see or understand. He gave us His truth in the Gospel and that should be sufficient… but it is not exhaustive. He knows more than me. Not like a school teacher knowing more than her student… but like the Creator of the Universe knowing more than the created. He doesn’t just know how I was made, He knows why. And that is a comforting thought… whatever I lose… He will restore.

distance

2006-12-12T15:07:00.000-08:00

there are all kinds of distance… there is spatial distance, time distance, mental distance and so on. I have a fond appreciation for none of these. I like closeness in all respects. the onset of fall usually brings with itself an overwhelming sense of distance for me. this year was no exception. its a distance from the way things used to be around the holidays… a stronger recognition of distance between me and people I care about… and in the cold, the early sunsets, the dying leaves, being far away in body and mind, the hope of some comfort waits inside. I have a feeling this is why miracles are talked about and sought after now more than any other time of the year. I’ve asked for some myself recently. now is supposed to be a celebration and yet so many people become lonely… I wonder would this happen if we celebrated Christmas on a beautiful spring day? no one gets the Easter blues do they? I never have. not saying it can’t happen, but honestly…

but ah, distance… one of my biggest arch-enemies next to Kermit the Frog and the *pack of wild dogs that follow me to work everyday and then sit outside waiting for me to leave in the afternoon.

*wild dog story created for dramatic effect.

just a thought

2006-12-10T21:54:00.000-08:00

i was falling asleep and my mind once again starting flipping stations from one thing to the next. i landed on these few thoughts that i decided i better get up and write out. its nothing much... really, i'm here to see if getting things out of my brain might help the insomnia. i'm a literary person and so i always tend to view my life as a novel... with characters, villians and heroes and plot twists, etc. only, i don't really see many people as villians in real life, so no worries there. its more like there are people who shift the story into one direction or another, for better or worse. and i'm always waiting for the plot twist... hoping that one of the characters has something up their sleeve... like they're waiting to come in and save the day. unfortunately, this is rarely the case. i dislike sounding negative, but disappointment often prevails always bridled by hope... always there's hope. some might call it foolish... i like to call it faith. in reading CS Lewis, i have learned that one of the biggest tools of the enemy is not to turn people to Satan, but instead to turn people into doubters of everything... good or evil. making people believe that there IS nothing to hope for... that is the worst kind of living. hmmm... yeah, i'd rather be called a fool.

life in suspense

2006-12-07T16:44:00.000-08:00

we all love suspense. well, okay, we love suspense in movies, novels, video games, etc. we all hate suspense in life. but the reason we love it in fiction is because we know its what makes the story good. i think a lot of people lack the ability to endure suspense in their lives because of the anguish that usually accompanies it. i mean, you don't have to have a good story, do you? but why wouldn't you want one? what else are you going to talk about when you're 80 years old? you'll be telling your kids about all the "what if's" that you didn't want to wait around to see what might have been. boring!

so hate the suspense if you must... but try to embrace it a little bit too. that is all. good night.

monday, monday

2006-12-04T17:57:00.000-08:00

i promise i won't do this everyday, but you know how it is when you have a new toy and you just want to play with it? so here i am.

insomnia pretty much held on throughout the night on and off... during a brief moment of sleep i dreamed that i was in CA on a camping trip... we were camping out on the edge of cliff. i slept right on the edge all night kind of scared that i would fall off. my fellow campers didn't seem to think this would be a problem. when the sun came out in the morning, water had risen almost all the way to the edge of the cliff so the "drop off" had actually turned into a lake. i could now dangle my feet off of what used to be the edge of the cliff and dip my toes in the cool water. my friends, once again, felt this was perfectly normal AND they had a boat prepared for just such an occurence. they started up the boat, i hopped in and we rode off and that was it. the boat was blue and plastic.

i am not so much bothered by the lack of sleep, or the odd dreams in between as i am by the fact that my hands have been chapped all day and it hurts! yes, chapped. it is bitter bitter cold, at least for Tennessee and i want to roast marshmellows by a fire, dang it! but alas, i am home in my fireplaceless apartment with chapped hands, no marshmellows and and and... that's all i got.

i promise i won't waste your time next time.